Sunday, November 27, 2011
Hi everyone. This entry is going to be bittersweet. In 7 hours my baby sister would have turned 22 years old. So on her 22nd birthday being celebrated from heaven, we here will be remembering the 4 month anniversary of her death.
It is SO hard for me not be angry not so much at her anymore, but her addiction. The pills. The damn pills!
Tomorrow I am going to buy a cute little pink Christmas tree and bring it to her and visit her grave for awhile. There are a lot of wreaths there I noticed on Thanksgiving. And anyone who knew my sister knows she isn't a wreath type of girl. A bright pink tree is more fitting ;)
My mother did end up back in treatment. I made the call, and had the police go pick her up. I tried to give her chance after chance. I even fought for her to stay home a couple weeks after my sister passed away. I went before our tribal judge and plead her case. That treatment was not what she needed, family was. But once I started getting calls that she was falling f
requently, she was passing out in random spots, ect. I had to have her put back in treatment.
She sat in detox for 3 weeks, while we figured out where to send her. While she sat in detox I found out from her Neurologist that her most recent MRI had shown damage to her Myelin Sheath. Which is the protective covering that protects the nerve cells. She has damage in her brain, and spine. So after finding that out, we wanted to find out the severity of the damage. Where her cognitive levels were at. So on the 1st of this month she had a 6 hour Neuro Pysch test done. The next day she was drove to South Dakota to a treatment that has a Native based program.
Originally she was supposed to be drove by me to this test, then also the next day to South Dakota. Her CD counselor from our tribe stepped in and told me I NEEDED to step back and take a break and let them handle it. Of course my mom was pissed, because she wasn't able to get her hair and nails done, ect! (you know the important stuff) But I had been sick for weeks. And still actually am getting over it 6 weeks later.
I do not believe after talking to her counselor, that my mom will for one ever get 100 percent sober. But also ever really appreciate what I have done for her my whole life. Which is act as her mother, versus her acting like mine. I have forgiven so much over the years, or turned a blind eye in order to love her unconditionally. Her counselor said that she didn't know if she had ever met someone who felt such a sense of entitlement before.
My mom does not call me ever to simply see how I am doing, or her grand kids. It doesn't matter if she is in treatment or out. She only calls drunk, when she needs something, when she feels her sky is falling, ect. For my physical, emotional, and just overall well being. I have realized that I honestly no longer can be who I am in my moms life.
My mother has been in over 20 treatments in my life. I am 36! Yet to this day my mom will not admit she is an "alcoholic" she calls herself a situational drinker! Ironically, there is ALWAYS a situation! When she gets caught drinking she will admit to the people like her counselors she had a "slip up". This last time when she was in detox. I drove there 5 times. It took me 6 hours each time there and back. I tried to explain to her that YOU ARE NOT having slip ups! Slip ups are someone who is sober for a year, and has a bad night. Then sobers up, admits it and continues to be sober. NOT, someone who drinks 5 out of 7 days a week. Not someone who falls all the time, not someone who gets completely taken advantage of every time she turns around, not someone who lies all the time to cover up their drinking, not someone who............OKAY, well you get the point. I gave her a list of reasons. She just looks at me with this blank look.
I lost my sister to an addiction to pills. There is a good chance I will lose my mother to her addiction, alcohol. But I have done all I can do. She is almost 60 years old. I would like to think that she is not hopeless, but history shows she will never change. History shows, things she has done over the years that absolutely should have been her rock bottom and weren't, would show she doesn't have a rock bottom. Other than the absolute worse.
I asked and told her I wanted to participate in the family meeting at the treatment she is at. It was on the 21-22nd this month. When talking to her counselor, she told me she didn't add me to the list. So she couldn't set it up. While preparing to go this couple day thing. I dug way back and began printing things I have either wrote to her, or to myself in journal entries over the years to bring. Because I am finally at a point, I am ready to confront her with all of it! I so sick and tired of her "working" programs. And not being totally honest about how her drinking has affected everyone in her life. But now I will not have that opportunity, because she didn't add my name to the list!?
I found a couple poems on my external hard drive that I wrote just over a year ago. When my mom and sister both sat in treatment again. One for my sister. One for my mom.
I called it "Just a Title"
Just a title
I am sorry to say
We have no rapport
Better this way
Than playing pretend
This is the way I have come to contend
Just a title
I'm finally able to close the door
You did this yourself
All on your own
I cannot imagine your going to like feeling alone
I have tried to much
Now I am tired of holding the clutch
Just a title
Is what I have decided for
You made your choice
Now you must lie
Now I see your chosen side
Just a title
"Mother" now I shut the door
I obviously have already been at a point, I was ready to walk away. But when I wrote this and a VERY long letter to her. My sister overdosed the first time the same week. So they got put on my external hard drive and have sat there since.
This one was wrote to my sister the same night.........
Why are you doing this, ruining your life?
The only thing you've accomplished is causing stress & strife
We're all trying to help you with this hard and trying time
But you think we're crazy, it's all in your mind
I miss the way it used to be, just a few years ago
Because of the pills you've changed for the worse & the reason I do not know
I worry about you each day and every night
But I can't protect you, I can't fight your fights
I'm your sister, flesh & blood, and I really do care
But I'm only human, all these burdens I cannot bear
I want you to grow up, grow up & be a woman
You're 21 but want us to hold your hand
Sister it's not to late to put your life on track
Do it for you, but also for us, we need you, and that's a fact
At night when I lay down, for you I silently pray
That would keep you on earth & not take your life away
It's hard for me because I have to stay strong
I'm always more worried about you and mom. She doesn't ever seem to care what you or her did wrong
I'll do you a favor, but only for your sake
I'll keep love and supporting you praying for your life, that the pills don't take
I love you, I do! But I can't go on believing lies
I'll help you best I can & at night cry tearless cries
I wrote this for my sister after she overdosed, and I found out she tried to have pills brought to her in the hospital after the overdose. The week that she overdosed, I was so completely and utterly tired of both hers and my moms addictions!!!
I still remember when my sister was born. She wasn't born into an easy life. Actually her, my brother and myself have not had an easy life. If we told all of our stories I think some people would say "that cannot possibly have happened to all of you!". But the thing is we have known nothing, but the life we were handed. And all chose to deal with it in separate ways.
When my sister was very young I spent a lot of time taking care of her, due to my moms drinking. I would have her for a week, sometimes weeks at a time. Her whole life was spent that way. I was the loving, nurturing, reliable one to always be there. Not to spoil her, and turn a blind eye. But to tell her I loved her, to hold her, to kiss her, to tuck her in at night, to do everything in my power to protect her from the abuse she dealt with, to tell her and not sugar coat things when she was doing something wrong, to never fear her getting mad at me by doing so because she knew no matter what I would always love her and be there for her.
She was such a sweetheart as a child! Scorned in many ways, had it rough. But always loved SO much and always had this huge heart! As she turned into a teenager herself, from the very first time she drank or used drugs. She felt it helped numb her pain. It made it easier for her to deal with things that were out of her control. Eventually her addiction took over so strongly, that she couldn't even feel normal without her pills.
That is what has always made it so hard for me. I understand why she made the choices she did. I just wish she would have used her strength and fought with everything in her to find a way to overcome and let go of the things she had no control over. I did that as a teenager. If I hadn't I probably would have been in the same boat she was.
At one point in her life, my mom called me when she was 14 and told me she wanted to give me custody of her. I went and got her. I made a bedroom in my house for her, enrolled her in school. She had the same rules my other children did. She loved the full time love, and knowing that I would never be drunk when she needed me! BUT, she decided to smoke weed. My hubby and I caught her and she obviously got grounded and had consequences to pay because of her actions. She was upset. She went back to my moms and never came back. I should have fought for her. Instead, I was so disgusted by my moms "blind eye" and the way that both of them were being, that I stepped away for quite some time.
Until one day when my mom was in the hospital. Her and Kate had came home from Jamaica and my mom got admitted into the hospital right away very sick with an infection. My brother and his ex wife called my moms and talked to Kate. After talking to her. They called my hubby and I and said Kate didn't sound right at all. So after stepping away for about 6 months, I decided to head to there to see what was going on. What we walked into appalled me! It disgusted me, it saddened me, it pissed me off beyond belief!!! When we walked in my moms house was TRASHED and when I say trashed I mean trashed! Her and 3 friends were sitting in the kitchen at the table with a plate of cocaine. Lines chopped. She had been on a few day binge.
We kicked her friends out. And gave her 2 choices. Come home with us, or we were calling the police. We dumped the coke down the drain. At first she agreed to come with us. But then she freaked out. Started throwing stuff, cussing, ect. My hubby went up into the bathroom where she was freaking out and my sister fell into his arms crying. He held her and let her cry. She was so high, hadn't slept for days.
Once he let her go and I came upstairs she again freaked out and started throwing stuff. I ended up calling the police. I had them take her to detox at the same hospital my mom was at. I had to drive there and after no speaking to my mom or seeing her in 6 months. Wake her up at close to 3am to tell her what was going on. She said to, I will never forget "I had NO idea!". I shook my head and went back to her house to clean. If it tells you anything, the house was so nasty that when they brought the police dog in to find drugs, ect. The dog couldn't even do his job. He was confused by the mess.
It took myself, my sister in law, my hubby, and 2 other friends all day to clean the house! We took out garbage bags, upon garbage bags of trash. Empty liquor bottles, bloody tissues, towels, socks. From their nose bleeds.
BUT, what really killed me was my mom saying I had no idea! My sisters bedroom walls were COVERED, literally covered top to bottom with her and her friends writings and drawings. When they did drugs they would put their names, the drug they used, the amount, ect. YET, my mom had NO idea!!!????
I had my sister taken to to treatment in Oklahoma. My mom sort of followed my lead like a child herself. That was the beginning of Kate's addiction to drugs, and really the beginning of the end.
So now years later looking back, and my sister being gone because of her addiction. It is so hard for me not to really tell my mom how I feel. How she contributed to her addiction, how many mistakes she made and so many different ways. It is hard for me not to blame myself for not fighting for her. For not getting custody and not backing down on not letting her go home ever.
But I cannot do that, I know I can't! I had to accept that I had done what I could a year ago. I had to accept, that I could not help 2 people that didn't want help. I had to accept that it was very possible I would lose them both to drugs and alcohol. Which I did. But again, it doesn't make the hurt or anger any less!
This entry ended up me venting, remembering back to the very beginning of my sisters life. But either way the bottom line is I always loved her. I will never stop loving her! I really wish things would have turned out differently!
TONS of pictures below.................... ;)
I want to celebrate my sisters good qualities, even the ones that were annoying but made her "her" ;) So I am going to add pics as a tribute to her now............
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL BABY SISTER! I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU! I WISH YOU WERE HERE CELEBRATING WITH ALL OF US!!!!!